Pre-Departure Thoughts

WOW! I leave tomorrow! So surreal. It won't hit me till I'm getting off the plane surrounded by the Andes Mountains and hearing Spanish and having to pay in pesos-maybe then it will hit me. It has been QUITE a whirlwind of a summer between running three summer camps and weddings every other weekend. Something I did this summer that was invaluable to me as a teacher that I haven't had time to reflect on was sitting in on some of Angie Broeker's Teaching Young Singers course. She said something that really struck me: Trusting my authentic self even if that's different. So often, I'm trying to blend in, be the adaptive chameleon, I'm really good at being. Hell, I even tried to be a brunette for the trip, thinking somehow brown hair would have me fit in-not that the 5'10" stature or blue eyes wouldn't dominate that. But then I asked myself-why? Why am I so afraid to stand out, to draw attention to myself, particularly as a musician? Why do I hate being in the limelight so much? I've finally started to be able to accept compliments, but it takes a lot of conscious effort! If anyone else struggles with this, feel free to comment!

As I further reflected, the only logical reason I came up with was the musician world-dog-eat-dog competition, musical excellence solely defined by how well you wave your hands as a conductor or perform, and achieving the most advanced music as the primary goal. This was most of my solo performer life-worried about how others would judge me, or perhaps how I thought others would judge me. Being transparent, there were times I was told in college to choose other career paths, that conducting particularly was not for me. But I persevered and will never regret majoring in music-it has brought me around the world! But as a solo musician, it wasn't until I started going around the world that I felt value as a solo musician again. Between the chastising of my conducting technique and battling tendonitis so I had to switch from piano to voice as my main instrument, no wonder I froze up in college.

But Tanzania was what reignited me-I played Brahms Violin Sonata-awell-advanced technique piano piece and again understood why I was playing-to share my gift with others. I want to quote Angie again saying we should redefine excellence as an organization that fulfills its mission statement. Amen to that. Perhaps that was what grabbed me and inspired me in Tanzania, in Venezuela, in Boston, and now, yes in my own program here in Minnesota. There is no objective truth in music, only in a specific paradigm, which we tend to use the Western classical one as a given, not an assumption.

My challenge to myself as I embark to Colombia tomorrow is (aside from my formal research questions) to a) not be afraid to stand out and own that-height, who I am as a musician, being an American in this time, all of it. That in itself is a challenge, though always easier for me to do when I am in a new environment. B) To explore the mission statements of these programs and if they are fulfilling them. C) To explore, observe, and listen-not to hypothesize, assume, or otherwise make pre-conceived paradigms. I am really going to strive to take these programs for what they are at face value, whether that is incredible or underwhelming. I am going with zero expectations, only an open heart, mind, a recorder to record their words and a camera/video to capture memories or illustrations that exemplify a program's mission--or don't.

I applied for the Charles C. Jackson grant last November so I have been working on this project for 10 months-tomorrow I take off. Special thanks to them and the University of MN Judd Fellowship for making this trip possible! Here's to adventure, learning, and expressing my whole self, blonde hair, blue eyes, 5"10 height and all!

Independence Day

It's been so long clearly I have quite a few blogs to catch up on! Especially before I go to Colombia and then I promise you'll receive at least a weekly blog post. But today I want to reflect on the Day of Independence and how I did that this weekend. I'm not exactly a fan of our current "leader" and I agree, America isn't the greatest place on Earth for many. However, I want to leave politics out as I do when I go to the North Shore, which is where I spent the past 4 days and there is no other word but bliss. I usually go to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness that is 1 million acres of nothing but serenity, beauty, and rejuvenation. No sounds but the paddle of a canoe in the water and loons calling on the lake. No smells but maybe the smoke of the campfire. No tastes but maybe the occasional wild blueberry patch one stumbles across after a long portage. And views? Well, by day you have lake after lake with either 500 ft cliffs and deciduous trees or small ponds with lilypads and the occasional turtle. I've been around the world, but there is no place like this that I return year after year. This year I was only able to go for a day, but we did a mile of portaging including a stairway portage, 3 lakes, and a waterfall. It was just long enough to soak in and nothing felt more refreshing than diving into the water to rinse away the sweat, the bug spray (that is one con of the area), and soak my sore muscles after portaging a 75-80 lb. canoe. Some don't think this sounds relaxing, but the beauty and the conversations that arise from being with someone in a canoe for multiple hours, truly are. This was how I spent one day of my Independence Day retreat.
Each morning I slept until I needed to get up with no phone and took my journal and book down to the bubbling brook in the backyard of where I stayed. I've been here so many times (at least once/year since I was 13) and yet, I had never done that before. There's always new places, even in familiar places. To listen to the calm water as I realized self-discovery was wonderful, literally. It ignited my creativity and empowered me to be me and that was when I realized what I was doing-I was truly embracing Independence with a capital I. I've been reading a lot about the wild woman archetype, specifically Women Running with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkold and I've felt incredibly empowered by the book because it is a type of woman our society doesn't usually embrace or talk about. It's a woman who is strong, emotive, creative, sensual, and yes, independent. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the maternal, but that's just not where I'm at in life. Each day up on the North Shore, I did what I wanted to do on my time. Sometimes others joined me, like my friend Kevin, and we biked 24 miles on the Gitchi Gami by Lake Superior passing through fields of lupine, yarrow, and lilies (yes it was also beautiful) and had lunch down by the water. Other times it was just me like when I ran ~1.6 miles to Dyers Lake and jumped in the water and swam halfway across and back hearing a loon mating call which sounds like a laugh and is one my favorite sounds. Another highlight was watching fireworks on the 4th from a canoe on Superior. The reflection of the fireworks, the noise reverberating off the lake, it was impressive for a small town show. More so, it was impressive that despite being July 4th I could see my breath! Canoeing back in the dark under the light of an almost full moon was a memory I will hold dear.
So as others enjoyed their 4th by partying into the wee hours of the night I decided I was going to abstain and really get in touch with my inner Self. It worked and it couldn't have been more perfectly timed as an independent woman. It was also the perfect timing to finish a book I've been working on for awhile, the Artist's Challenge. Since January, I've been journaling daily about recovering as an artist so I can get to my true artist self and share my creativity again. The last week (it's a 12 week course technically, but life got in the way) was about a sense of autonomy. How will I continue to feed and express my artist when the book is gone? This weekend was a perfect start. There was no phone, there was continual self-reflection, there was adventure, there was community and deep conversations that challenged me, provoked me, nourished me, and taught me new perspectives. But at the end of the day, despite 10 other people being there, it was just me doing my thing. I am Zara. I challenge you to find your thing if you haven't. You, as an independent person, even if our country may not be giving everyone their deserved freedom, you deserve it. Take it.